


America's Mother

by lilmizmccree



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Men Crying, Mommy Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilmizmccree/pseuds/lilmizmccree
Summary: Homelander's been severely damaged by the way Madelyn Stillwell babied him... But not because she wanted to take care of him. Because she knows that's what he needs, and it's the one way she can get him to do what she wants. He knows this... And is left to suffer alone.He has a visitor that at first, he's unaware of. Normally, he'd have to smite them, but... He doesn't have the strength at the moment. Besides... This might be the first time someone actually listens to him.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	America's Mother

For some reason, he hates seeing it.  
Well... He doesn’t _hate_ it. But... He still doesn’t like it.  
Seeing Madelyn Stillwell with that... _Baby_ of hers.  
Homelander wishes he could say that it grosses him out. He doesn’t like to see her with that thing because children are gross. So is affection towards others. Leave him out of that one.  
He’s not supposed to be very cuddly.  
Unfortunately, that’s not why.  
It... Has to do with something that he would rather not talk about. At all. It’s no one’s business but his own.  
So when it has him locked up in his suite by himself in the dark... It kind of sucks. Seriously sucks.  
All over a fucking _infant._  
Now, what sort of awful thing could Madelyn’s stupid kid have done to him to make him feel like this?  
Nothing really.  
He’s just stood by while Madelyn treats that thing like it’s the most important thing in her life. Gives it her most undying attention all the time. All the time. She _loves_ that thing.  
It...  
It’s a painful reminder for Homelander... Of the way no one loved him as a baby. He lived in a lab. Scientists raised him, but didn’t exactly care about him. The only thing he had was his blankie. He didn’t have anyone to fawn over him, or hold him. Show him what it felt like to be loved. _Tell_ him that they love him.  
As a _baby._ Just minutes after he was born, this was to be his life.  
Ideally, something that happened when he was a fucking infant shouldn’t still hurt him. But Madelyn is making that extremely hard for him.  
The way that she cares for that spawn of hers... He wants someone to take care of him the same way, after having it ruthlessly _ripped_ away from him literal seconds after he was born. Never even getting a taste of what that’s like.  
Then... Then she had to go and make it worse this evening. Allowed him to lay in her lap and _suckle._  
For the time being, it felt good. Good to let someone coddle him like that. But... Once he figured it was just her teasing him, he... He hurt all over. Worse. So much worse.  
Homelander realized how weak he really was. He did something he doesn’t usually do very often... Not at all.  
Shut himself away.  
And that’s where Starlight finds him now.

Annie’s taking the walk of shame back to her suite after a particularly shitty day. Just ready to go to bed. The whole Believe Expo thing took way more out of her than she was hoping that it would.  
But something in the hallways catches her. Almost startles her because of how out of place it sounds.  
In the direction of Homelander’s suite... A loud, unattractive sneeze.  
Just that alone is enough to make Annie stop in her tracks. She sticks around for a second... That was a _big_ sneeze.  
But that’s not the only thing she hears. It’s followed by a series of sniffles... A quiet sob. Another sniffle. Then whoever it is breaks down in a series of sobs and whimpers.  
Annie can’t help but wonder... Is that someone else that Homelander beat up? Some girl he abused behind that door?  
But... It’s a man’s voice. A familiar man’s voice at that. That was definitely a masculine sneeze, for one. And the sobs are deep as well.  
Then she notices that... The door to Homelander’s suite is popped open the slightest bit. Kind of like he slammed it so hard with all of his strength that it bounced back open. She wouldn’t be surprised to find that it’s broken... It’s enough of a surprise that the glass isn’t.  
It might be a death sentence to just... Check inside. But... Someone’s crying. Probably Homelander himself, and if there’s one thing she’s learned in her short time in the Seven, it’s that Homelander doesn’t cry. He’s too much of a pompous douche to cry over anyone or anything. He can take down an entire plane full of people and sleep perfectly well at night.  
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to just... Check on him. Something must seriously be wrong if Homelander really is the one crying.  
So very cautiously... Very, _very_ quietly, knowing that Homelander has spectacular hearing and will probably hear it regardless, Annie uses the toe of her boot to push the door open.  
And what she sees inside, she... She doesn’t even know what to say about it.  
First off, her intuitions were right. It is Homelander himself. Disheveled as hell. He’s curled up in a ball on his futon, crushed into the very corner. His blonde hair is a mop in his eyes, and his uniform... The patriotic one... He isn’t wearing it. He _always_ wears it, cape and all. Annie was convinced at one point that he wears it to bed. Not now. Rather, he’s got on a black, woolen turtleneck. Red sweatpants and black socks.  
The state he’s in is probably the most horrific thing.  
He’s crying, of course. Sobbing his heart out, sniffling wetly. Tears run down his cheeks in streams, and those navy blue eyes of his are swollen. The whites of his eyes are bright red. His nose is running profusely, practically into his mouth, but his nose is still very full. Probably explains that sneeze.  
Homelander’s been reduced... Reduced to the smallest variable of himself.  
And that isn’t even the worst thing. Rather, it’s... It’s his thumb. Right thumb. He has it... Jammed into his mouth, and... He’s sucking on it.  
Homelander. Desperately sucking on his thumb. It just seems too surreal, yet... Annie sees it with her own eyes.  
Even if he is a pompous douche... Annie feels her heart break. Something awful must have happened to him for this to become of him.  
Weirdly, it doesn’t seem like he heard her. She could turn back now and escape his wrath, but... Something just seems wrong with leaving him here like this. He’s just... So _upset._ Clearly suffering.  
Taking her chance, she quietly speaks into the room, quiet except for Homelander’s crying.  
“John?”  
Homelander startles. He startles so hard and suddenly that it startles Annie too. When he pounces on the couch, ripping his thumb out of his mouth before anyone sees, Annie jumps too, stepping back a ways in case he’s going to attack.  
He doesn’t. He just glares daggers at her. Not literally, thankfully.  
“Get out!” he barks, though, his voice doesn’t threaten Annie the way it might if he wasn’t crying. If he was standing tall, eyes glowing red. He just seems kind of pathetic, for a lack of a better term. “Get the hell out! Leave me alone!”  
Annie holds out her hands defensively. “I-it’s okay, John...” she tells him softly. “I... I just want to make sure you’re... You’re okay.” She sighs, still approaching him slowly. It still doesn’t occur to her why she cares about someone so shitty, but something about seeing him this way is just so awful. _Someone_ needs to care about this man. And if no one else is going to do it, then... It’ll have to be her.  
As she comes closer, Homelander curls himself into an even tighter ball, sobbing heavily even still. “Go away...” he bawls. “G-go away. Leave me alone...” He sucks in a breath, which then powers his next sob as he drools down his chin. As Annie kneels down beside the couch, he tries to hide his face from her. “D-D... Don’t you dare...”  
Annie just looks at him worriedly. She doesn’t touch him... She doesn’t want to know what will happen if she does.  
She just watches over him for a minute. Watches him choke on his own breath. Bawling quietly.  
He peers out for a moment, just with one eye. And when he sees Annie just watching him, he sits up sharply.  
“What?!” he yells through his tears.  
She startles again, not expecting the sudden movement from him.  
Just to let him know she isn’t here to give him shit, she holds her hands up again. “Nothing, John, nothing,” she says softly. “I just heard you crying, and... I know this isn’t you.” She sighs. “I just want to make sure you’re okay. That’s all.”  
He looks at Annie. His eyes bug out with tears even more and his lip trembles. Then all at once, he bursts into tears all over again, resting his face down on the armrest of the futon, drooling all over it. “No... No, I’m not,” he blubbers. “I’m not okay.”  
_Oh boy. Something’s really wrong here._  
“Oh. I-I’m sorry, John... That something’s going on, I mean,” she whispers softly. “Do... Do you wanna just... Talk about it?” She looks over her shoulder, checking to make sure that she closed the door on the way in. She did, but she still keeps her voice low in case someone sneaky is using their powers to be able to hear. This is more for her safety than for Homelander’s pride... She swears.  
“I won’t tell anyone,” she whispers. “No one. I promise.”  
Homelander’s crying borders on hysterical. He can barely speak, but he still tries. “O-okay,” it sounds like he says. “I just wanna... J-just wanna... S-s-stop feeling alone...”  
Knowing it’s probably safe now, Annie tests the waters by placing a hand on his shoulder. _Damn_ , he’s got a toned arm; it’s hard to the touch, even without the armor. He doesn’t react negatively... Hell, he can barely hold his head up on his own. “Alright, John. It’s okay. You can talk to me, but...” She sighs softly. “I can’t understand you. You’re crying too much to talk. Here, um...” She tries the first thing that comes to mind. “Just, um... Take a deep breath, John.”  
Homelander looks at her like she has a third eye in the middle of her forehead.  
She smiles sadly, patting his shoulder. _That must be why he’s so angry all the time. He doesn’t know how to step back and take a deep breath to calm down._ “Y’know... Take a deep breath. Just like this.” Annie breathes in deeply through her nose, then slowly back out through her mouth, just to show Homelander what he needs to do.  
Homelander just kind of stares at her for a minute. Then he does the same thing. He breathes in slowly, albeit a little shaky, then lets it back out.  
Annie nods in approval softly. “That’s it... Keep doing it.”  
He does. He takes a few more deep breaths. And while he’s still crying quite a bit, it seems like he’s calmed down enough to talk.  
“Does that feel better?” Annie asks.  
Homelander sniffles, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “N... Not really,” he whimpers.  
Annie frowns. “I know,” she says softly. “It just helps you to stop crying a little so you’ll be able to talk. I think it worked.” As John goes back in with his sleeve to wipe his nose, Annie pulls his arm away; the first time he used his sleeve was gross. Pulls a tissue out of the box on the side table and places it in his hand. “Here, John. Use this.”  
John looks at the tissue with a side eye, but nonetheless, he uses it to wipe his nose.  
“Alright. There. That’s better,” Annie says gently, a little sidetracked. None of this seems real. Homelander is just so... _Weak._ If she really wanted, she could kill him right here, right now. He’s defenseless. Barely able to take care of himself, it seems like. It’s so sad...  
“So, um... What’s wrong?” she asks him, returning her hand to his shoulder in a comforting manner. “Why are you so upset?”  
Homelander sniffles, knuckling at his eyes. “Stillwell,” is all he says for a good minute. Annie almost thinks he isn’t going to say anything else, seeing as his eyes are in such a faraway place.  
But he continues. “She acts like she cares about me,” he explains. “She held me... She just held me because she knew that’s all I wanted...” The heavy tears start up again, and his words turn to sobs all over again. “But it’s just to tease me... She knows what I want, but it’s just a goddamn _fucking_ game to ‘er.” He takes in another gasping breath. _“She doesn’t really care... I just want someone to care, Starlight...”_  
Annie raises an eyebrow. All this... Over Stillwell? It has to be deeper than just a crush. She doesn’t think a mere crush could have Homelander falling apart like this.  
So she tries to get him to say it himself... Just so she isn’t making assumptions. “You... Like her?” she asks cautiously.  
Homelander glares at her, finally moving his eyes to look at her. “No,” he snaps. But then his lip trembles, and his voice gets weak all over again as his eyes flutter shut. “I want her to take care of me...”  
Annie’s heart cracks one more time to hear words like that coming out of his mouth. She rubs his shoulder, trying to provide him comfort. “What do you mean, John?” she asks. “What do you mean when you say you want her to take care of you? Like...” She allows him to finish that sentence.  
Homelander just nods as he breaks down in tears again. He never opens his eyes. “Like a mother,” he snivels. He tries to wipe his nose with the tissue again, but to no avail; it’s too runny to stop it all. Finally... _Finally,_ Homelander looks Annie right in the eye. And he isn’t angry... He isn’t even defensive. He just looks sad as hell. “I didn’t have one, Starlight. I didn’t have anyone. The one thing I had was my blanket.” He nearly chokes on his own mucus and spit as he snorts back a sob. “I was raised in a lab. Vought wants me to act like I did have all that, and I was raised in a happy family.” He shrugs, his chin creasing. “I wasn’t. I never got love from anyone growing up.” He buries his face back in the armrest of the couch. “I want someone to love me, a-and take care of me.” He shakes his head. “Stillwell doesn’t give an actual damn about me, Starlight. She just knows if she coddles me, I’ll do what she wants. And she’s right.” Homelander lets out a loud sob. “She let me _breastfeed._ Not because she loves me, but... But... Because I’ll...” He breaks down crying again, and he can’t finish speaking. He begins to tremble violently... His whole body. That strong body of his, reduced to quaking like he’s scared.  
It all makes sense to Annie now. Why Homelander needs all the attention on him all the time. Why he’ll do just about anything to get what he wants, no matter how awful. The thumb-sucking, even. He’s messed up because no one loved him. Ever. He just wants someone to love him like he’s a little kid because he didn’t get any of that growing up. He’s just trying to make up for lost time.  
He’s upset now because Stillwell’s playing into Homelander’s needs. Not because she wants to take care of him in that way, but because she can control him that way. It’s superficial... It isn’t like she wants to help him through this. She knows he’ll do what she wants if she gives him what he wants in return.  
Just trying to comfort him, Annie rubs Homelander’s shoulder up and down. She’s very careful with it, though; she makes a point to do it comfortingly... Not like a mother trying to comfort a child. She doesn’t want to hurt Homelander any more than Stillwell’s already hurt him. “Oh... John,” she whispers. “I’m not sure what I can do to help... I’m not sure I can do _anything,_ but um... I’ll be here. Just... Sit with you while you cry this out.” She tries to peer at his face. “Is... That okay?”  
Homelander still bawls into the couch, but he nods.  
So Annie just sits with Homelander. Rubs his arm and his back while he cries hysterically. Cries out all of the hurt. He even returns his thumb to his mouth and sucks on it again for comfort. She feels awful that she can’t do anything to help him. She doesn’t know how. But she hopes that what she does currently helps a little bit. Keeps him from feeling like he’s suffering alone. Even if Homelander has done terrible things, and Annie knows it... He still deserves comfort. Maybe the lack of comfort is what makes him do all that shit.  
As he said... He just wants someone to love him. To listen to him. And if no one else will do it... She will.

For a long time, Annie sits with Homelander while he cries. It seems like hours. Kind of incredible how much he’s crying. It’s like he’s expending all of his supernatural strength at once. Like how an infant can spend hours upon hours crying in his crib...  
But he eventually tires. His heaving sobs are reduced to sniffles. He’s face-first against the couch with his eyes closed. He’s exhausted himself.  
He needs rest.  
Annie grabs the soft, gray throw blanket from the back of the couch, using it to cover Homelander up and keep him warm. Ideally, she could use her strength to carry him to bed, but again... He’s hurting enough as it is. Then, before she leaves him alone to sleep, she kneels down beside him.  
“Are you okay, John?” she asks. She knows the overall answer is “no,” but in the moment, she doesn’t want to leave him if he’s just taking a break and he’s going to burst into tears again.  
But he nods. Wordless. He must be very, very tired.  
“Alright. I’ll leave you alone now,” she says. “Sleep well... Okay?”  
With that, she begins to get up. Leave Homelander to sleep it off. Maybe he’ll feel better in the morning.  
Though, before she’s out the door, he speaks up.  
“Starlight.”  
She perks up, looking over her shoulder at him. He hasn’t moved an inch, but his eyes are cracked open... Just enough to see her.  
“Yes?” she answers.  
He sighs heavily, letting his eyelids weigh themselves shut again. “Don’t tell anyone you saw me like this. Or what I told you,” he mutters. He sighs again. “I’d have to kill you. Seriously kill you. I don’t want to do that to the first person to ever just... Listen to me.”  
She just smiles, hoping he can’t see her doing it through his closed eyelids. “I won’t,” she reassures him. “I promise.”  
And with that, she exits his suite. Closes the door nice and tight. And she breathes off all that heavy stuff she just witnessed.  
Who would have thought that Homelander was a Momma’s Boy to a Momma that never existed? Or that in the long run, he’s still none but a baby at heart?  
Regardless. The secret’s safe with her. For the sake of her life. Maybe Homelander’s pride this time.


End file.
